the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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