shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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