He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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