Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
