how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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