i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
