I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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