I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
