Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
