3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
