I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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