Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
