Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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