so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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