Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All I want is dick and wine.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
