I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
