i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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