hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just google imaged poop.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
oh god was she eating orange peels again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
