genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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