I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Mom said you looked used
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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