YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
