yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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