Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You ruined the universe
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
