so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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