So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
