I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am available for nakedness
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
