I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
