We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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