i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
