you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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