I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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