i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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