I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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