oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
