My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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