just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
