Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
