the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
