well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
