it wasn't lemon gatorade
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
