A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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