Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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