Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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