Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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