Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
