She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
