I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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