Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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