One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
