she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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