dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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