the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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