is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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