so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
