Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
