Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
