im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
